Relationships Aren’t always easy
By Cindy Jackson for NTx Connect
Even the strongest of us can struggle with relationships. More than 25% of people are disconnected from family, and more than half of marriages end in divorce. One-third of U.S. adults report being lonely, which is actually a decrease compared with 2024 statistics. In 2021, Americans reported fewer close friendships than ever. What's even more profound than these sobering statistics is the fact that the quality of our lives is directly correlated to the quality of our relationships.
In 1938 during the Great Depression, scientists began tracking the health of 268 Harvard sophomores. At the time, Harvard was an all-male school and the goal of this longitudinal study was to collect a treasure trove of mental and physical data on aging. The study was then expanded to the original group's offspring, inner-city residents from some of the poorest neighborhoods in Boston and the wives of the participants. This is one of the longest studies on aging ever conducted.
Surprisingly, the most significant findings of this study have nothing to do with wealth, accomplishments or success, but rather relationships.
"The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health," said Robert Waldinger, director of the study, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. "Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too. That, I think, is the revelation."
We see evidence of strained relationships all around us. Look no further than social media. The other day, I was talking with a neighbor who used the word "grief" in conjunction with the current divisiveness in our country and it resonated deeply.
We might have truly forgotten how to have conversations. Focusing more on being right, only wanting to converse with those we agree with, and using labels more than curiosity. The differences in others, which could be considered opportunities, are concrete obstacles we refuse to break down.
Doris Kearns Goodwin in her book "Team Rivals", which was the basis for Steven Spielberg's movie
"Lincoln", portrays four major contenders for the 1860 Republican presidential nomination on May 18, 1860. The race was close and Abraham Lincoln was ultimately the victor at the 1860 convention and proceeded to win the presidency. Determined both to hold the party together and to recruit the ablest men for his cabinet, Lincoln then persuaded each of his former rivals to join his cabinet. "We need the strongest men of the party in the Cabinet. We needed to hold our own people together. I had looked the party over and concluded that these were the very strongest men. Then I had no right to deprive the country of their services," said Abraham Lincoln. Arguably one of the greatest leaders of all time, Lincoln invited differences, obstacles and conflict into his presidency, viewing the challenge this would bring as an opportunity to strengthen, not weaken his leadership. That mind shift alone is one of the components of a healthy relationship. Not the absence of conflict, but rather, leveraging conflict as a vehicle to greater depth and success. What we perceive as differences and obstacles can be used to strengthen our relationships.
Conflict and differences are a normal part of relationships; the key is not whether they occur, but how we choose to approach them. Long ago when I was the clinical director of an outpatient counseling office, I used to tell those coming in for marriage counseling that the difference between a good marriage and a bad one lies not in the presence of conflict, but in how it's handled. Good marriages face conflicts and use them as opportunities to deepen intimacy, while bad marriages avoid addressing them altogether. That's a simple explanation, but the truth is, when we do not normalize our differences and the problems that come from them, we miss out on growth and deeper connections in our relationships, which is directly tied to our happiness and fulfillment in life.
So, how do we address conflicts and relationship obstacles in a way that brings us together, not further apart?
The first step, besides not being surprised by conflict, is to acknowledge that relationships are never exactly what they appear to be. I was at a conference on leadership and the speaker asked this large room of participants to raise their hand if they were currently dealing with a circumstance in their life that was causing them stress or anxiety. Every hand in the room, including mine, went up. When we are having a conversation, an argument or even a great time with a person, it's never about just what's on the surface. We are complex, layered individuals and we bring this into our interactions and relationships. We see just the tip of the iceberg when we have an encounter with another person, but many times it is the full weight of the iceberg that's coming into the relationship dynamics. I'm sure we all can relate when we've had a bad day at the office and we return home a little "short" and irritable. But what about when we are relating to a person with a history of trauma, abuse, low self-esteem and complicated trust issues? There is no way to even know the full extent of this when we are interacting with others. Couple this with our own issues, stress, insecurities, you name it, and we have a literal recipe for disaster.
While it's hard to know that the angry person at the dinner table isn't angry with you, but rather upset about not understanding the latest math assignment, it is helpful to have the context. When we get easily agitated about the person who disagrees with us on our Facebook post, it's important to step back and consider that we aren't necessarily having a simple, single-layered conversation but a multiple-faceted one, based on our own and the other person's perceptions, life experiences and wounds.
I have found that one of the best things I can do when entering a conversation is to ask myself what "kind" of conversation needs to occur. Is this a practical conversation where exchanging information is the main goal, or do I need to provide empathy and understanding? Or is this a conversation and interaction that needs to be based on deepening trust and connection? Often, asking, "What do you need from me, or what do you want to walk away from our conversation with?" helps clarify and peel back some of the complexities that can derail our best intentions.
This leads to the second suggestion for deepening relationships which is to prepare yourself to understand more than you are understood. I wish this was easy, but it's incredibly difficult, even on our best days. We must be highly self-aware to avoid making the conversation about ourselves. This is not to say that our thoughts, opinions, feelings and needs are not important, but rather, when we start from a place of seeking understanding, we plant the seeds for all of those involved to be understood.
Walking into the conversation with a desire to learn and understand literally changes the dynamics of the interaction to be productive. We must prepare ourselves emotionally for conflict and adopt a mindset that supports growth through it. This is the formula for deeper connection, personal growth, and ultimately, a healthy relationship.
The third suggestion to strengthen our relationships is to listen and then listen some more. We have a fundamental problem in that we can process information four times faster than we can speak.
This leaves some significant time for us to think about a lot of other things like our tasks, whether the Cardinals won yesterday's game or what we are going to say next. Listening is a skill that needs constant development. So, what to do with that extra time on our hands? Here lies the cream filling in the donut. We process what the other person is saying.
Rather than thinking about what our response will be next, we ask ourselves:
What is the other person thinking?
What are they feeling?
What are they needing?
Going back to the iceberg analogy, this process helps us get a glimpse into what is lying under the icy waters, going for the portion of the iceberg that's invisible on the surface. When we engage in this process we listen for understanding, diving deeper into the connection.
How do we know if we got the answers to those three questions correct? We loop back for clarification, never assuming. I'll spare you the "what happens when we assume" reference. You get the point. We ask, "Did I get the thought, feeling or need right?" We ignore assumptions and muddle past our preconceived notions to really understand.
Maybe you can relate to the dismal relationship statistics I previously shared, or you consider yourself to be the Mr. Miyagi of relationships. Either way, we all have work to do. When we choose not to work on relationships, we eventually crash into the iceberg (last reference, I promise).
In summary, relationships are hard but can get better when we:
Embrace differences and conflicts
Accept the complexity of those we relate to and ourselves
Leverage conflict for deeper connection
Listen with the intent to understand the other person's thoughts, feelings and needs
If you would like to receive relationship coaching or have a group/organization/business that would benefit from a discussion, please contact me.